4. The Appeal of Kari
Last week, the guys were fawning over Kari. We got a montage of Keith, Denzel, Romeo, and Ben drooling over Kari’s sexiness. At the time, I was like, “Really? Her? She doesn’t even make the cast.” She does make the cast, it turns out, but I had forgotten about her because her appearance didn’t stand out to me. 

I’d like to thank Tyra for paying Kari a few backhanded compliments this week. “Everything is just so wrong on her face. Her mouth is too big for her face, her forehead is huge, her eyes are too far apart, and it adds up to fierce.”  Suddenly, with this new outlook, I see her appeal. 
At least now I can understand why the boys are continuing to crush over her in episode two. That includes Keith who just… might… wait… yes… yes, he does like Kari. It’s nice to see he put some thought into it first, though.

Also still crushing? Ben. They have so much in common, like that they both went to college in Iowa. Plus, they both must be super smart considering they received degrees in Iowa.
Which of her many suitors does Kari return affection for? None of them, apparently. Kari confesses to the girls, “I think that the more I learn the boys’ personalities, the more I don’t think they’re attractive.” With this group of guys, that’s an astute observation, Kari. For starters, they were cast on a reality show. 75% of the time, that’s really not a compliment because they want unstable people who make good TV. Someone who can pass a psych test, but not someone who aces it, if you catch my drift.

Sorry, Ben. At least you have a back-up plan: a bromance with Adam. Go figure that the two douchiest people of the cast would connect. While I reckon it’s a match made in heaven for them, it’s going to be pretty hellish for me to watch these two do pull-ups and play fight throughout the cycle. Keeping dodging this bullet, Kari.

Nice facial expressions, Ben!
5 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 2

4. The Appeal of Kari

Last week, the guys were fawning over Kari. We got a montage of Keith, Denzel, Romeo, and Ben drooling over Kari’s sexiness. At the time, I was like, “Really? Her? She doesn’t even make the cast.” She does make the cast, it turns out, but I had forgotten about her because her appearance didn’t stand out to me. 

I’d like to thank Tyra for paying Kari a few backhanded compliments this week. “Everything is just so wrong on her face. Her mouth is too big for her face, her forehead is huge, her eyes are too far apart, and it adds up to fierce.”  Suddenly, with this new outlook, I see her appeal. 

At least now I can understand why the boys are continuing to crush over her in episode two. That includes Keith who just… might… wait… yes… yes, he does like Kari. It’s nice to see he put some thought into it first, though.

Also still crushing? Ben. They have so much in common, like that they both went to college in Iowa. Plus, they both must be super smart considering they received degrees in Iowa.

Which of her many suitors does Kari return affection for? None of them, apparently. Kari confesses to the girls, “I think that the more I learn the boys’ personalities, the more I don’t think they’re attractive.” With this group of guys, that’s an astute observation, Kari. For starters, they were cast on a reality show. 75% of the time, that’s really not a compliment because they want unstable people who make good TV. Someone who can pass a psych test, but not someone who aces it, if you catch my drift.

Sorry, Ben. At least you have a back-up plan: a bromance with Adam. Go figure that the two douchiest people of the cast would connect. While I reckon it’s a match made in heaven for them, it’s going to be pretty hellish for me to watch these two do pull-ups and play fight throughout the cycle. Keeping dodging this bullet, Kari.

Nice facial expressions, Ben!

5 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 2

5. The Cuddle Puddle

In college, my friends and I would occasionally lay on the floor of our dorm hallway, snuggling up with each other, about a dozen of us at a time. It wasn’t sexual, but there was hair playing and arm patting and just general lighthearted affection. We called the experience a “cuddle puddle.”

ANTM’s cuddle puddle was not nearly as cute or tame. It was more similar to that scene from Eminem’s gross “Superman” music video where Eminem is drowning in a pile of squirming, black-clad models:

Some, like Denzel, wish people would keep their hands to themselves. Others, like Romeo and Raelia, find the mass entanglement to be a turn-on. Good luck trying to hide a boner in that mess… someone might get an eye poked out. 

It’s not even a good way to measure the semifinalists abilities since the contestants can barely “model” from their positions. They’re so interlocked that modeling just means writhing ever so slightly, wiggling their limbs like a baby waking up from a nap. Aside from Will’s nipple grab, here are my favorite moments of model-to-model contact:

Olay’s elbow enterting Marjana’s vag. Surely that’s somebody’s fetish. 

Keith’s arm between Barbie Girl's legs and his head on her boob. “You can touch, you can play, if you say, 'I'm always yours.'”

Chantelle falling asleep on Romeo’s dick. Probably not the first time he’s had that happen.

Olay’s attempted footjob on Adam.

Romeo and Ben holding hands over Josh. They found true love and they’re not about to let a cow-milker get in the way.

Raelia’s arm around Adam’s neck. Go for it, girl: just squeeze a little big tighter. He has it coming with his head on your ass. 

I was really hoping for a twist ending where Yu was like, “That wasn’t baby oil we wiped all over your bodies, that was super glue. Good luck separating yourselves now.” And then the tide would come in and wash this mass of 22 models out to sea - with only Jamie Rae’s bosoms and several of the guys’ inflated egos to keep them afloat - never to be seen again! 

(Sorry that my fantasies took over there, friends, this episode was pretty boring.) 

5 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 2

1. #FratStar

Fuck, I am not looking forward to having to deal with this guy.

Adam introduces himself as “your typical lovable fraternity guy” and I’m left scratching my head. I can easily picture hundreds of typical fraternity guys, yet not one of them would I consider lovable. The very idea that he thinks being a drunk asshole makes him in any way admirable shows he has a warped perception. As I watched him brag about partying, all I could think was he’s in for a wakeup call when he graduates college, leaves the fraternity, and discovers that the real world isn’t nearly as tolerant of this obnoxious behavior.

AND THEN I NOTICED THAT HE’S 26! That means that Adam is more than a few years out of undergrad and just clinging to this fraternity identity. I can decide whether it’s more pathetic or scary. He tells the judges, “I’m somewhat of a legend in my fraternity. They actually still have a pledge event where they ask trivia questions about me.” 

Hmm, is that actually an honor? If I were to guess what some of the questions look like:

  • How many times was Adam admitted to the hospital with alcohol poisoning?
  • How many times did campus security write up Adam for stealing their golf carts?
  • How many sorority sisters regretted waking up next to Adam?

Every reason to hate Adam is apparent in his ideal schedule:

Tyra might like Adam’s “energy,” but at least it’s clear that the editors despise him. Notice how they listed Adam’s first sex session at just two minutes long.  

I wouldn’t mind Adam so much if he were just a stupid frat guy who knows at some level that he’s a loser but is too much of a lush to make any life changes. Adam, however, genuinely thinks his frat-brother-for-life attitude makes him a champ. He also keeps boasting that he’s smarter than everyone else, too. [Like Miss J’s masculine side, though, "footage not found."]   

"Everyone parties," says Adam. "I’m just better at it."

Case in point: if these people were partying as well as Adam, would they have to have their faces blurred? Didn’t think so!

"I’m in the top 1% of partiers in the country," he also asserts to Tyra. I love how casually and confidently he breaks out that statistic as if that figure is in anyway scientific. Site your source, Adam. How does someone measure who is a better partier? Which academic publication is ranking American partiers and placing you in the 1%? 

That said, I would agree that Adam is in the top 1% of making me throw up in my mouth a little bit, especially when he says things like, “I’m gonna be on alpha male mountain looking down at all the people who are less attractive than I am. Hello, ladies! I’m gonna come in hot. I’m coming in like a banshee outta hell. Probably french seven or eight of them just off the bat, let ‘em know I’m here to play.” Oh, and then he growls like a lion.

Thank goodness we have someone like Miss J who is happy to mock Adam’s weird grunting and growling. He did lose me a little bit, though, when he mentions he “wants some of what [Adam] got.” No. If Adam does happen to share any pills with you, double-check to make sure it isn’t a roofie.

At least Kelly Cutrone has an accurate read on Adam. After he leaves the room, she says, “I hope my daughter never comes home with a guy like him.” Look, I don’t even think I like you, Cutrone, but even I think you and your family deserve better. We ALL deserve better.

8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1 

2. Selfies, Hashtags, and EDM

It’s important for the fashion industry to be on top of the cutting edge trends, which is why Tyra deserves kudos for bringing selfies, hashtags, and EDM to the first shoot. Wooo! It feels like 2011 all up in this premiere!! 

Are selfies considered modeling? I’m going to go with no. But selfies definitely are considered cheap. Miss J may be back, but ANTM can’t afford Nigel, so take your own photos, guys! And make sure they’re good because these photos are going to grace the pages of Vogue Myspace. Just think, when this show is on its last legs and super low-budget, we might get an all Selfie Cycle!

The show can’t afford artistic directors like Mr. Jay and Johnny Wujek anymore either, so once the selfies are complete, the contestants get to add emojis and blingees on top of their photos for an extra classy touch. Just pretend any of this makes sense, okay?

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For whatever reason, the judges actually love Keith’s tricked out picture. He’s got clip art things covering 75% of the photo, including his own body. Tyra says it shows he has “a natural artistic ability.” Somewhere, Picasso is weeping harder than the gif in Keith’s picture.

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A general rule of thumb is that if the only word that you can think of to describe yourself is #fun, you’re not actually fun. But I would probably have a good time hanging out with the stoned rabbits Mayra includes in her photo.

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Danny puts a “Delicious” sticker over himself. Okay, fine, dude’s a tool, have at him, Romeo.

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Amanda doesn’t say no! (AKA #GirlMostLikelyToBeGettingHolleredAtByMarvinOnTwitterRightNow)

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I’m not sure what #Alwaysupgrading means, it makes Mark sound like a robot. But like a really sloppy robot because the text at the top runs over by just one letter and rather than realigning it or making the font slightly smaller, he lets that final m just drag down to the next line. Hella professional, dude. Cutrone must not have minded since he bowled a happy pedobear, so we look forward to not seeing more of you again next episode, Mark! 

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L’Meese, who says she only likes to befriend super pretty people (oh come on!), is at least prophetic with her hashtag. You’re getting cutting, girl! #nicetry 

Other laugh-worthy hashtags include: 

  • Romeo - #graveyardguy
  • Ben - #bemine?
  • Raelia - #sheshot (which I finally realized was “she’s hot” after reading it as she shot initially)
  • King - #humblelion
  • Lenox - #freakofnature
  • Kate - #sorrynotsorry

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Speaking of which, #sorrynotsorry, Lindsay, but you’re not worthy of the #spontaneous hashtag so long as Spontaniouse roams this earth. (Did anyone catch Kelly Cutrone’s inadvertent reference to Spontaniouse when she told Marijana during her audition, “I hope you use this time to give birth to yourself”? Spontaniouse will gladly show you how to do just that.) 

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Matthew - at least I think that’s him, it’s hard to tell with that sloppy airbrushing - #smilesallday… except for in his photo, apparently. Filters are fine for less attractive people who want to mask their appearance, but why would a model add what looks like a sunburn filter? It’s like he only applied sunscreen in the shape of a heart around his right nipple. At least that little white creature seems to find it sexy.  

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Just rearrange the letters on Brandon’s hashtag ever so slightly and…

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Ah, there you go.

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Ivy is easily my favorite. Not only is her photo actually model-y, her hashtag is best. I’m going to assume that #lolwut is a direct response to the instructions she was given for this shoot because really? Lol, wut? The image of the mockingly laughing person she used shows just how embarrassed she is by all of this. And rightfully so, I might add!

8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1

3. Miss J’s Back
He’s baaaaaaaaack.
I like how he announced himself like some kind of horror movie villain. Were we supposed to scream in terror as he stomped down the runway in a mask? It was like the return of Freddy Krueger… or maybe just the Fashion Witch. 

At least one woman in the audience looked kind of terrified by the “reveal,” but that could just as easily be a look of confusion. Evidently, she wasn’t as excited for the return of Miss J as Will, who started shouting praises like he was in church and said:

I felt a little sorry for Will initially when he told us his backstory. It can’t be easy being a giant dance-loving gay man while living in a conservative Texas community that didn’t allow him to be himself. However, then when he called seeing Miss J the “best moment of [his] life,” I felt absolutely terrible for him. There’s been nothing better? Really, this is it? 
Tyra is giddy to see Miss J back, too, and tells him she missed him. Then she has the gall to ask: “Where were you? Where’d you go?”

Tyra Banks, you damn well know that you sacked his ass a few years ago. We ALL know that. Don’t even pretend. The fiction continues with Miss J’s response:

You know how ambiguously-gendered men in their late 50s are getting booked for runways all the time these days, right? He was just far too busy! 
All that nonsense aside, I am genuinely happy to see him back. This show has missed his brand of humor. He was very entertaining aside from one WTF moment when Cory complimented Will’s femininity and Miss J thought it was fine as long as he could show a masculine side as well.
Does J really have to say that shit to Cory who heard that same close-minded sentiment directed at him repeatedly last cycle?
Where does someone like Miss J get off telling someone that they need to have a masculine side?
Let’s take a look back at all of our favorite Miss J moments where he showed his masculine side:

Oh well. Welcome back, boo.
8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1

3. Miss J’s Back

He’s baaaaaaaaack.

I like how he announced himself like some kind of horror movie villain. Were we supposed to scream in terror as he stomped down the runway in a mask? It was like the return of Freddy Krueger… or maybe just the Fashion Witch

At least one woman in the audience looked kind of terrified by the “reveal,” but that could just as easily be a look of confusion. Evidently, she wasn’t as excited for the return of Miss J as Will, who started shouting praises like he was in church and said:

I felt a little sorry for Will initially when he told us his backstory. It can’t be easy being a giant dance-loving gay man while living in a conservative Texas community that didn’t allow him to be himself. However, then when he called seeing Miss J the “best moment of [his] life,” I felt absolutely terrible for him. There’s been nothing better? Really, this is it? 

Tyra is giddy to see Miss J back, too, and tells him she missed him. Then she has the gall to ask: “Where were you? Where’d you go?”

Tyra Banks, you damn well know that you sacked his ass a few years ago. We ALL know that. Don’t even pretend. The fiction continues with Miss J’s response:

You know how ambiguously-gendered men in their late 50s are getting booked for runways all the time these days, right? He was just far too busy! 

All that nonsense aside, I am genuinely happy to see him back. This show has missed his brand of humor. He was very entertaining aside from one WTF moment when Cory complimented Will’s femininity and Miss J thought it was fine as long as he could show a masculine side as well.

  1. Does J really have to say that shit to Cory who heard that same close-minded sentiment directed at him repeatedly last cycle?
  2. Where does someone like Miss J get off telling someone that they need to have a masculine side?

Let’s take a look back at all of our favorite Miss J moments where he showed his masculine side:

Oh well. Welcome back, boo.

8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1

4. Okay, But Don’t “Mingle” with the Judges

Oh dear. “I’m single and ready to mingle” is an awful, tired phrase… but altering it to “I’m very single and very ready to mingle” isn’t just cliche, it reeks of desperation.  I’m not sure I’m ready for Marvin 2.0! 

Ben’s certainly every bit as embarrassing as Marvin, anyway. He introduces himself to the judges as a quadruple threat (model, actor, singer, dancer) and it’s like, please, loser, even Tyra Banks doesn’t pretend she can sing anymore. Tyra asks him to sing and he chants (what I hope is) an improvised song that consists of nothing but the lyrics “big booty.” I guess he couldn’t sing anything they’d have to pay royalties for. Because she’s a ham and easily amused, Tyra loves the tune.

How is Ben using his quadruple talents? Oh, you know, he’s a cater waiter. Not just any cater waiter, an important cater waiter because he once served Tyra Banks at an Oscar party. (Ben must not be all that attractive if Tyra didn’t immediately pull him from the crowd like she did with the ice cream man.) He’s not ashamed to say that he checked Tyra out at said party either. 

And that’s when Kelly Cutrone puts him in his place in the most delicious way. I have to admit - having hated Cutrone for the past three cycles, I found myself agreeing with everything Kelly said in the premiere. I think I’m prepared to give her another shot, actually. Let’s see how long the good-will lasts before I’m disgusted with her all over again.

While we’re on the love kick for Cutrone, let’s quote her marvelous words to Ben: “This is not appropriate. Here’s a little tip: you’re like a pipsqueak, okay? Tyra Banks does not want to sleep with you. And trying to take her down by speaking to her like that is not only delusional but it’s highly unprofessional.”

Rather than outright apologizing for his buffoonery, Ben says, “I am a man; I check women out.”

And Cutrone’s like:

"Questionable. You get your eyebrows threaded in Iowa." (!!!!) BOOM! That’s far more explosive and lethal than his corn-fed bicep. 

Finally, Ben says he’s sorry, but this won’t be the last time he puts his foot in his mouth. He can’t even try to compliment Kari’s beauty without mangling the syntax so much that it sounds like he’s actually proud of how pretty his own eyes are:

He might find his eyes pleasing, but those eyebrows should be mortifying.

Let’s all practice Kelly’s death glare because I think we’ll be using it on Ben for as long as he sticks around this season:

8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1

5. No Duplications!

After emerging from a hole in the ceiling, Tyra grandstands a bit before introducing the new contestants. She wants to make one thing especially clear: “We are not looking for any duplications. We are looking for originality.” 

She means it, you guys. Originality ONLY. That means no more “Aw shucks, I’m a dairy farmer” types like Laura (oops, sorry, didn’t see you there, Josh) or people forced to spent the night in a port authority like Angelea (oh, hi, Marijuana - I mean Mirjana.) And that definitely means Tyra wouldn’t be extremely excited to meet a model with a forehead as massive as her own. 

Whatever, Tyra. For fuck’s sake: if you’re trying to prove that you’re looking for someone unique, you don’t immediately go and cut the contestant named Uniqua. 

But if you want to talk about derivative contestants, let’s talk about this cycle’s two African American male models. (Well, the two that got substantial airtime. We also got quick glimpses of  Zaquan, who might be the most modelesque guy there but didn’t utter a peep, and King who did utter a single peep in the form of singing a sustained note. They ain’t making the house.) Tyra doesn’t like Denzel and Keith because they’re original - she genuinely likes them because they are duplications.  

First, there’s Denzel. Tyra cannot get over the fact that this guy is named Denzel. She has him reenact a Denzel Washington scene from John Q to complete her fantasy. His acting, incidentally, is much better than his photo, even to Tyra’s own admission, but she passes him through anyway because… well, Denzel.

And thank goodness. Denzel is here for all those underdog alpha males:

Yeah, when will alpha males ascend to their rightful place at the top of every single profession? Stupid sexist modest industry with its glass ceiling for men! Denzel: he’s doing this for all the men who have easy access to nearly everything, but throw a fit when they’re not automatically promoted to the top of one particular field.

Denzel also can’t help but throw in: “I’m a man’s man in every sense of the word.” Well, if he means in the literal sense, being another man’s man would suggest he has a boyfriend, which really goes against his “alpha male” image. (Note: I’m not trying to suggest gay people are lesser, I’m just trying to make him feel a little uncomfortable after being an ass and disapproving of Will for wearing heels.)  

Second, there’s Keith, aka Baby Tyson Beckford. Initially, Keith plays it off like the resemblance isn’t that strong, but then he starts rattling off all the ways that he’s just like Tyson: same face, same birthday, same height. Too bad Tyra said she doesn’t want any duplications, Keith! But you’re in luck anyway since she was lying.

Tyra strokes Keith’s ego by pointing out one quality Tyson lacks: Tyson never played in the NFL. Actually… that’s just one more thing Keith has in common because he never played in a single NFL game either! The Eagles put him on their team and soon after cut him after never playing him. A year later, the Giants put Keith on the preliminary roster and he was one of the first couple cut, this time with an “injury.” Look, I like Keith, and I’m not saying he wasn’t really injured, but it is a little strange to not see a show as exploitative as ANTM not specifying the alleged injury. Calling it a “career-ending injury” would also imply that the career actually started at some point…  

Then again, maybe Keith’s injury was experiencing head trauma after crashing into a utility pole. That would be so Tyson Beckford of him!

8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1

6. Bowling and… Chimos(?)
So… bowling. Don’t get me wrong, I like bowling. However, this whole setup for finding out if the models make the next round of the semifinals in a bowling alley was even more pointless than the Cycle 11 bowling lane runway teach - and that didn’t make any sense either. 
Chantelle also objected to revealing their fates at a bowling alley, bemoaning, “Bowling is supposed to be fun.” Yeah, how DARE you take something as pure and fun as a twergin bowling and turn it into some twisted game designed to mess with people’s heads. Have you no scruples, ANTM?!
Kari goes first and she seems to be under the impression that how well she bowls will determine her survival in the competition. Yeah, no. They didn’t even bother to show us how many pins fell down for most of the contestants. They really should have upped the stakes by saying that anyone who bowled a strike automatically got to advance to the next round, and anyone who rolled a gutter ball was automatically out. Admittedly, that has nothing to do with modeling, but at least 50% of what the judges rate the contestants on has nothing to do with modeling, so why start worrying about that now?
I couldn’t help but fixate on the girls who could be seen bowling in six-inch heels. Lucky Strike lets these people stomp all over their slick floors with that nonsense and I gotta pay an extra $3 to borrow those germy bowling shoes each time I play? Nuh-uh!
Still, the most bizarre part of this segment was the “bear sticker” (what does that have to do with anything?) that the show used to reveal whether the contestants made it to the next round. For crying out loud, that damned cartoon bear looks like the cousin of Pedobear. From where I sat, it seemed like they were calling all of the wannabe models child molesters. And while I’m sure most of them are not, it’s a really poor (and kind of laughable) choice on the producers’ part. 

8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1

6. Bowling and… Chimos(?)

So… bowling. Don’t get me wrong, I like bowling. However, this whole setup for finding out if the models make the next round of the semifinals in a bowling alley was even more pointless than the Cycle 11 bowling lane runway teach - and that didn’t make any sense either. 

Chantelle also objected to revealing their fates at a bowling alley, bemoaning, “Bowling is supposed to be fun.” Yeah, how DARE you take something as pure and fun as a twergin bowling and turn it into some twisted game designed to mess with people’s heads. Have you no scruples, ANTM?!

Kari goes first and she seems to be under the impression that how well she bowls will determine her survival in the competition. Yeah, no. They didn’t even bother to show us how many pins fell down for most of the contestants. They really should have upped the stakes by saying that anyone who bowled a strike automatically got to advance to the next round, and anyone who rolled a gutter ball was automatically out. Admittedly, that has nothing to do with modeling, but at least 50% of what the judges rate the contestants on has nothing to do with modeling, so why start worrying about that now?

I couldn’t help but fixate on the girls who could be seen bowling in six-inch heels. Lucky Strike lets these people stomp all over their slick floors with that nonsense and I gotta pay an extra $3 to borrow those germy bowling shoes each time I play? Nuh-uh!

Still, the most bizarre part of this segment was the “bear sticker” (what does that have to do with anything?) that the show used to reveal whether the contestants made it to the next round. For crying out loud, that damned cartoon bear looks like the cousin of Pedobear. From where I sat, it seemed like they were calling all of the wannabe models child molesters. And while I’m sure most of them are not, it’s a really poor (and kind of laughable) choice on the producers’ part. 

8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1

7. Jamie Rae Is ‘Tardy… to the Party
Let’s get one thing straight: if someone calls you a real-life Barbie, it’s not a compliment. Even coming from Tyra. She doesn’t cast Barbie-like models anyway. Honestly, she probably only made the comparison so that she could throw in that unnecessary reference to her old Life-Size TV movie. 
Also not a compliment: calling someone a “gorgeous porn star.” I mean, I think Adam genuinely wants to bang Jamie Rae, but if anyone else were to have made that comment aside from Adam, they would have been throwing serious shade. And there were plenty of girls throwing shade at Jamie Rae in the premiere.
But first, credit where credit is due: the girl knows how to enter a room. Simply by walking in fashionably late, the Malibu Barbie - by way of Jersey - made a more memorable entrance than Tyra this cycle… and Tyra descended from a hole in the ceiling!
Poor Jamie Rae swears she missed her flight to Los Angeles by just ONE minute. Hey, one minute late is all it takes to be left sobbing outside of the go-see challenge! Besides, the real Barbie would have just chartered her own plane to get there… she is a pilot after all.

This Barbie, however, has to settle for being a nanny. Kelly Cutrone cracks, “You’re a nanny? Who lets you in their house?” (Point for Cutrone! But let’s not pretend that’s a fair battle of wits.) Still, it’s not as bad when the judges tell Jamie Rae that they want to see her without makeup on. She has an emotional breakdown and contemplates quitting the show. Because, you know, that is a rational reaction to being asked not to wear four pounds of cosmetics. 
After supposedly keeping Tyra waiting, (which, whatever, since according to Paulina Porizkova, Tyra generally keeps the crew waiting for hours) Jamie Rae finally returns to panel with a washed face. She apologizes for crying, but Tyra says it’s cool since she finally looks like a model — partially because she really does look better without makeup and partially because Tyra loves a crier. Crying over nothing will get you nowhere in the real modeling industry, but on America’s Next Top Model… yup, you gorgeous porn star, you’re moving on to the next round! 
8 Funniest Moments from ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1

7. Jamie Rae Is ‘Tardy… to the Party

Let’s get one thing straight: if someone calls you a real-life Barbie, it’s not a compliment. Even coming from Tyra. She doesn’t cast Barbie-like models anyway. Honestly, she probably only made the comparison so that she could throw in that unnecessary reference to her old Life-Size TV movie. 

Also not a compliment: calling someone a “gorgeous porn star.” I mean, I think Adam genuinely wants to bang Jamie Rae, but if anyone else were to have made that comment aside from Adam, they would have been throwing serious shade. And there were plenty of girls throwing shade at Jamie Rae in the premiere.

But first, credit where credit is due: the girl knows how to enter a room. Simply by walking in fashionably late, the Malibu Barbie - by way of Jersey - made a more memorable entrance than Tyra this cycle… and Tyra descended from a hole in the ceiling!

Poor Jamie Rae swears she missed her flight to Los Angeles by just ONE minute. Hey, one minute late is all it takes to be left sobbing outside of the go-see challenge! Besides, the real Barbie would have just chartered her own plane to get there… she is a pilot after all.

This Barbie, however, has to settle for being a nanny. Kelly Cutrone cracks, “You’re a nanny? Who lets you in their house?” (Point for Cutrone! But let’s not pretend that’s a fair battle of wits.) Still, it’s not as bad when the judges tell Jamie Rae that they want to see her without makeup on. She has an emotional breakdown and contemplates quitting the show. Because, you know, that is a rational reaction to being asked not to wear four pounds of cosmetics. 

After supposedly keeping Tyra waiting, (which, whatever, since according to Paulina Porizkova, Tyra generally keeps the crew waiting for hours) Jamie Rae finally returns to panel with a washed face. She apologizes for crying, but Tyra says it’s cool since she finally looks like a model — partially because she really does look better without makeup and partially because Tyra loves a crier. Crying over nothing will get you nowhere in the real modeling industry, but on America’s Next Top Model… yup, you gorgeous porn star, you’re moving on to the next round! 

8 Funniest Moments from ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1

8. Staten Isle vs. Satan Bile

In one corner we have a cocky Staten Island white guy… in the other corner stands a Latino bisexual Wiccan.

LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!

Am I the only one who genuinely didn’t understand this tense dynamic? Either we missed out on some key footage that would explain their beef or this Danny vs. Romeo feud is as stupid as Jamie Rae.

Yeah, Danny is acting a little too confident, especially after getting rejected by Tyra just a year ago, but at least he’s not one of the guys who keeps dropping the term “alpha male.” If Danny were to start embarrassingly “rapping” (if you can even call it that) again like last cycle, then by all means, Romeo should put him in his place. Instead, the worst we saw was that Danny didn’t want to have his tarot cards read, and surely Danny isn’t the first person to not respond kindly to Romeo’s beliefs in the occult. If Romeo really does have a slice of the proverbial “humble pie,” he might want to offer it up to Tyra before Danny. (That is not a fat joke, it is a joke about Tyra’s ego. And a little bit of a fat joke.) 

Romeo may think that Danny is “arrogant and bigheaded and douchey,” but at least he’s found a friend in Kelly Cutrone. After telling us last year that she’s a goth (ha!), now Kelly’s trying to pass off  her black garb as being Wiccan. She clarifies that she’s too lazy to actually practice any Wiccan rituals, but she “could be” if she wanted to. You don’t have to tell us twice, Kelly. No one here is going to deny that you’re a witch. 

Meanwhile, Romeo says he hopes to become “America’s Next Top Witch.” He’s well on his way with all of the badmouthing he’s doing about Danny. But then, if he is a witch, why is he wasting so much time bitching and rolling his eyes behind Danny’s back when he could just CAST A FUCKING SPELL? Somebody get Romeo a cauldron and we’ll put an end to this pettiness once and for all.

So who will win this lame feud?… Eh, who cares. Tyra already said Danny was lacking energy and “holding back”  which is pretty much the kiss of death from a woman who cherishes personality above all else. Romeo might as well save his toad eyes and possum tails for the next person he gets in a pointless fight with. 

(PS I learned how to make GIFs. You’re welcome.)

8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1